Are you Worried About a Friend?

You may suspect something is wrong even if your friend doesn’t talk about it. If you can answer yes to some of these questions, your friend may be in a violent relationship.

Does your friend:

  • Act withdrawn, worried or depressed?
  • Not want to talk as long or as much on the phone?
  • Refuse invitations to do things together?
  • Talk less about the relationship?
  • Have bruises and/or other injuries?
  • Wear clothing or make-up to cover up injuries?

Does your friend’s partner:

  • Put her won in front of other people?
  • Seem possessive and/or jealous?
  • Make decisions for her, such as what to wear, where to go or what to do?

There are ways you can help and support a friend who’s being abused.

Your Friend May Not Talk

Your friend may deny the violence or make excuses for the partner’s behavior. Your friend may even be angry with your for asking.

People who are being abused:

  • May not even admit to themselves that they’re in a violent relationship.
  • Often hope or believe the violence won’t happen again, even if it’s happened many times.
  • May be embarrassed, ashamed or afraid to talk about it.

If your friend won’t talk, don’t force it. Say that you’re concerned, you care and you want her to be safe. Try to stay in touch.

Your friend may come to you for help later. Be ready to help when she wants to take steps.

Learn About Domestic Violence

Before you bring up the subject, find out all you can about domestic violence.

  • Call your local 24-hour crisis line at 1-800-641-3434 or the National Domestic Violence Hot line at 1-800-799-7233.
  • Ask for materials about domestic violence.
  • Ask what resources are available in your area.
  • Ask for advice on how best to help your friend.
  • Look up the National Domestic Violence Hot line on the Internet at www.ndvh.org

How to Listen

Listening to a friend talk about being abused can be hard.

  • Listen carefully without interrupting. Nod your head, without agreeing or disagreeing.
  • Believe what is said. The details of domestic violence can be shocking. Take what your friend tells you seriously. You may be the only one trusted enough to tell.
  • Validate the feelings. You might say something like “This must be very hard for you,” ” It must be scary when that happens,” or “No wonder you’re afraid”.
  • Don’t judge your friend’s actions or choices, even if you disagree.
  • Be patient. Deciding what to do about a violent relationship can take a long time.

Take Care of Yourself

You’ll be able to help more if you take good care of yourself as well.

  • Don’t put yourself in danger. meet in a safe place. Don’t get involved without giving it much though. Take a moment to check out your attitude. Talk with a domestic violence agency, (such as the Avalon Center), to find out how to stay safe while supporting your friend.
  • Accept that there is only so much you can do. You can be supportive but your friend must make her own decisions.
  • Be around people who support you and energize you.

How You Can Support Your Friend

In addition to listening, you can help in other ways:

  • Share what you’ve learned. Pass on any materials about domestic violence you’ve found.
  • Explain that it happens to others too. Let your friend know she’s not alone.
  • Encourage your friend to get help. Explain how to call a domestic violence agency or shelter for information and support. Offer to drive her there.
  • Tell your friend it’s not her fault. People who are battered often believe they cause the violence. 
  • Explain that domestic violence is against the law. No one has a right to hit or hurt others.
  • Tell your friend  how you’re willing to help. Be clear about what you can and can’t do.

Help Her Make a Plan

Help your friend think about what to do if the violence happens again. She can:

  • Know every way she can get out of the house or apartment.
  • Know where she can go and how to get there.
  • Pack an emergency bag with keys to the car and house, money and copies of important papers (birth certificates, photo ID, restraining orders). Keep it outside the house or leave it with a neighbor or friend.
  • Build a support group of friends and family who would be willing to help in an emergency (transportation, shelter, money, childcare, etc. )

Help her think about how she can be safer. She can:

  • Find out about agencies, programs and shelters that offer services to battered women.
  • Join a support group.
  • Get counseling.

Alcohol and Other Drugs

Sometimes people use alcohol and other drugs to try to cope with domestic violence. Remind your friend that staying safe depends on thinking clearly and acting quickly. Drugs can make it harder to keep yourself safe.

If your friend wants help to stop, help find a treatment or 12-step program. You can also offer to go along to a meeting.