Thinking About Leaving?

It can be hard to admit that you are in a violent relationship that won’t change.

Each time, you may want to believe the abuse won’t happen again.

But it will. Without professional help, domestic violence just gets worse. It can lead to death.

If you choose to stay with your partner for now, you need a plan for getting away quickly if you need to.

If you are thinking of leaving for good, you also need a safety plan.

It’s not your fault. Women who are abused usually feel sad, angry, alone or even crazy. They may blame themselves. But no one deserves to be battered.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you the abuse is your fault. The batterer is the one with the problem.

If You Are Staying For Now

Be ready to get away if you can before or during an attack. To make your plan:

• Make a list of family and friends who could help in an emergency. Ask what they would be willing to do (transportation, shelter, money, etc.).
• If you can’t stay with family or friends, choose a hotel or motel where you can go. Save enough money to pay for at least one night. Know the quickest way there.
• Plan how to leave. Would it be by car, bus, taxi, a ride from a friend or on foot? If it’s by car, have a spare set of keys and keep gas in the tank at all times.
• Police stations, fire stations and hospitals are always open. You can go there for immediate safety. Know where they are and the fastest way to get there.
• Pack a bag. Keep it in a safe place where your partner won’t find it (at a neighbor’s, with family or friends, at work). Your bag should include: money, emergency phone numbers, clothes for you and your children, any medication you and/or your children take regularly, important papers (birth certificates, restraining order, picture ID) and extra keys to your house and car.

Violence is Against the Law

• If your partner hits you, report it to the police as soon as you can.
• The police can come to you or you can go to them. They will talk to you in person and file a report.
• If you have been injured, they will take pictures of your injuries.
• They may arrest your partner.

Leaving for Good

Leaving is a big step. It takes time and careful planning. There are people who are trainined to help as you prepare to leave and afterwards.

Some things you can do:

• Educate Yourself about domestic violence. Read about it. Talk to a domestic violence advocate. Go to classes and seminars about it.
• Join a support group. Groups for battered women can give you information, comfort and support. You will find you’re not alone and can get ideas from the group.
• Get counseling. Choose a counselor who understands domestic violence and is sensitive to those who’ve been through it.
• Know how to get a protection order. This legal document orders the batterer to stay away from you, your home and your children. A shelter or the County Bar Association can help you get one.
• Find out about agencies and programs that can help. You can get help with food, shelter, clothes, medical care, completing your education, job training and childcare. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can give you these numbers.
• Have a plan. Work with a domestic violence xpert to make a safety plan before you leave. Have a plan for home, work and your children’s schools.
• Go to a shelter. Shelters offer safety, counseling and support while you decide what steps to take next.

After You Leave

• Stay in touch with a domestic violence worker you trust. Keep your safety plan updated.
• Change your routine if this seems necessary. Change work hours, grocery stores, laundromat or any regular appointments.
• Plan what you might say or do if your partner asks you to return to the relationship. Remember, things will not change in your relationship until he gets serious professional help.

Treatment for Batterers

Therapists trainined in domestic violence lead to therapy groups for batterers. They try to help batterers change their violent behavior.

• Batterers have to want to stop.
• They must agree to weekly therapy sessions for at least 1 year.
• Batterers may also need treatment for drug and alcohol abuse.

Even with counseling, violent patterns are hard to break. So you need to get help for yourself and have plans to stay safe.

Talking with Your Children

Children know that fighting is going on, even if you think they don’t. Denying or ignoring it upsets them even more.

Talk to them:

• Let them tell you how they feel.
• Tell them the fighting is not their fault.
• Tell them to stay out of the fighting.

Teach them how to protect themselves:

• Talk about where they can hide inside the home (closet, under the bed, in a room that has a lock on the door).
• Talk about where they can hide outside the home (garage, neighbor’s, friend’s).
• Talk about whom they can go to for help (grandparents, other relatives, neighbor, friends, police).
• Teach older children how to call 9-1-1. Practice what to say when they call. (Daddy is hitting Mommy. We live at….Hurry ! )